The hard way
by Phoeaix
Summary: Story of Daidouji Tomoyo who struggles with her emotions after her best friend Kinomoto Sakura marries her former rival Syaoran.
1. Default Chapter

Okies my brother wrote this it's a bit too depressing for me grin oh and neither of us owns cardcaptor sakura that a good enough disclaimer? Oh well it will have to be.  
  
THE HARD WAY  
  
I closed the door to my bedroom and walked over to the dresser, where pictures of you and me sat. My gaze fell upon one particular picture of us, that day at the beach. I am sure you remember that day. It was the day when I finally told you how I felt. How I really felt about you. You took it hard, as I knew you would. But you saw the pain in my heart as I told you and you comforted me. Like a true friend. You didn't judge me, just because of my feelings for you. You just hugged me and told me that no matter what; you would always be my friend.  
  
My heart, that day, ached terribly, but you knew just how to comfort me. I am glad that I told you how I felt. I am glad that we are still friends. How I still love you today, twenty years after that day, I could never show you. Today, however, you gave your heart to another. To Syaoran.I watched as you gave your deepest love to him in front of me, in front of everyone in the church... I am happy for you, I really am. Just knowing that you are happy makes me happy. But...but my heart aches deeply to see you with Syaoran.I now know that we can never be together like I had always dreamed we would be.  
  
I turned away from the pictures and flopped face down onto my bed, holding Takashi, the little teddy bear you gave me for my twelfth birthday, close to me. I began to sob. Tears trickling down my nose and hitting noiselessly on the pillow. I cried for ages: not out of sorrow of losing you, but the tears of happiness, knowing that you had found someone who could make you as happy as I had when we were in elementary school together.  
  
How I remember that day Syaoran came into your life. You had told me that you had had a dream about him the night before and, just as Mr. Terada had us settled in our seats, he introduced Syaoran to us...to you. I can still see the angel in Syaoran's eyes when I came around the school building later that day and found you both fighting over the Clow Cards. At first neither of you got along very well, especially when you both were trying to Seal the Thunder Card. But, as time went by, you both learned to work together to capture the elusive Clow Cards. You seemed closer to each other somehow, like the Cards had brought you together. Even when Meilin arrived to help Syaoran capture the Cards, I knew that Syaoran would not be swayed by her intentions of having him for herself. No...I knew then that you and Syaoran had formed a deep, special bond that you and I could never have.  
  
But...I never once thought that the two of you would marry eachother.And that brings me back to why I am crying in my pillow, hearing the rain hit the windows. A dark and rainy day. It suits how I am feeling right now. How can I live without you by my side any longer, my dear sweet Sakura?I owe you so much...ever since you gave me that eraser, which I still have kept safe, I have felt that I owe you a debt that I can never repay to you. I can start to repay you by giving you this ring that Eriol gave to me so many years ago...it is a start, at least...  
  
But now I must do what I know I must do. Do not try to follow me, just remember me in your heart as I know you will. I love you, Sakura. now and forever... I rolled off the bed, wiping the tears from my eyes and picked up a small steak knife that was lying on the dresser. Placing the blade to my left wrist, I felt the tears stream down my face hot salty tears that rolled off my chin and fell onto my neck.  
  
The blade was cold, menacing. I thought of it as a way to escape. Escape the pain of losing the one person who meant more to me than my own life.  
  
I cut deep, running the blade into my pale skin and fell to my knees. I had not expected it to hurt so much...I switched hands and sliced into my other wrist, dropping the knife immediately after doing so. Quickly, the blood pooled around me and I could see my reflection in the bright red blood that was already beginning to stain the grey carpet. I lay down, in the puddle of blood and turned my head, barely able to see the picture of you and me at the beach, that day twenty years ago. Through the pain, I managed a small smile. I closed my eyes and relaxed my body and I waited for the darkness to consume me...  
  
Well hope you liked it and please review otherwise my brother will keep annoying me until someone does (wait he will annoy me anyway!) 


	2. The girl

Okies again my brother wrote this and we both don't own card captor sakura there disclaimer done!  
  
  
  
The Hard Way: Part Two--The Girl.  
  
What did you say? I can't remember now. It was so long ago. Years, it feels like. The out come. You got married and I am lonely. Is this the way it is meant to be?Huh. I guess so. Why else would I be here? Floating in this icy darkness, between worlds? My fate sealed. Did I forget to thank you for the ride? Thank God for each and every day that we were together? No...I took it for granted. Just like I took everything else for granted. I was blind. But now I see. Yes, I finally see everything.  
  
You are my best friend. Were my best friend. You told me all of your problems, without worry. But could I tell you all of my problems? No...not a single one of them. I kept them hidden from you. Was it wise of me to do that? I think not. Not now, as I think back. But, it is too late to change the past. To change what has been done.  
  
You are probably in Tokyo by now, having a beautiful dinner with your new husband. And I am here...wherever here is.  
  
I can't get you out of my head. The last time I saw you, you didn't see me. Or did you? You held all of the cards and I was asking for anything you had. If I could do it all again, well, would I change anything? I guess I'd have you back to the way I had you when I first told you. But I learned the hard way. I can't have it back to what we had then. I learned the hard way. And...and I know I won't have that chance again.  
  
Some nights I sat on my own, with the feeling of being alone. Wondering if you'll ever come back. But now I know why you're gone. And I will be the first to say I'm wrong. I just wanted you to know that it was hard to spend the nights alone.  
  
Now, as you are disappearing, I'm hearing...I'm hearing all that I wanted to say to you. And it is all just too much for me. Maybe I should focus on the thought of letting you just slip away. But I'm getting this strange feeling...the feeling that you're not telling me all that you wanted to say. Oh God, why did it have to end this way? People running from something they can't see. Knowing that it's not easy to get a handle on life. Answering back to feel a little free. Knowing, deep down that we are all slaves to human way of life. But, what can we do about it? Wherever we go, I believe, we must go with all of our heart. Or else never achieve true happiness.  
  
That must be it. True happiness. I pretended that I was happy all my life. But, was I really? No. How could I be happy if I am in this place?  
  
I never lived through the great depression, though, sometimes I feel as though I did. Every day I saw you, I felt pain, knowing that I could never have you like I had hoped. Had dreamed. So, sayonara is the last word...that I could not say forever. For me, you're still one of the pleasant memories of my youth. But now I must leave you. Sayonara is the last word...I must leave you now, Sakura-Chan. Sayonara.  
  
K hope you enjoyed it plz review or my brother will annoy me again 


	3. Please stay

kk my brother wrote this and neither of us owns Card captor Sakura!  
  
  
  
The Hard Way: Part Three--Please Stay.  
  
You look so peaceful lying in that bed. Your eyes closed and your chest rising and falling in rhythm to the beeping of the machine beside you. I find it hard to believe that you could of tried such a thing.  
  
But you did. We are friends, best friends. Why didn't you talk to me? Tell me what the problem was? Why try and kill yourself, Tomoyo-chan? I can't understand it. Nothing gets so bad that one should kill themselves because of it...right? Right? So...why did you do it?  
  
But you won't answer me. You may never answer all of my questions. I wish that you would wake up. Just tell me what the problem is. I care about you so very much. Maybe even more than my dear Syaoran.  
  
We have been best friends since long before Syaoran came in to my life. I thought that you could trust me. Confide in me. Obviously, I was wrong.  
  
But I still care for you. I have always cared for you and I want you to know...I want you to know that I will always care for you.  
  
Seeing you in that hospital bed pains me deeply. My best friend in the world lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to a machine. Why did you do it, Tomoyo-chan? That question keeps repeating in my mind. It is not the question that bothers me, however...it is the fact that I may never get an answer...  
  
I have replayed that message on our answering machine over and over, from the time Syaoran and I returned from our honeymoon in Tokyo. It was from Daidouji Sonomi, your mother. She could barely speak as she told us how she had found you on your bedroom floor in your new apartment and discovered you unconscious, slowly bleeding to death from self- inflicted wounds on both your wrists...  
  
Syaoran drove me straight to the hospital and I have been right here by your side ever since. For five days now. I haven't eaten and have barely slept. I am so worried about you. I don't know what I will do if you never wake up... I will stay by your side until you do wake up. Even if it takes twenty years, I will never leave your side. That is how much I care for you, Tomoyo-chan.  
  
Even my dear Syaoran cares about you. At this minute, he is over at your mother's place, comforting her. She is so grief stricken, that she has not been in to work in two weeks. Not since she found you.  
  
No, do not get the wrong idea. Sonomi has been at the hospital since you were first admitted. But...but she was panicking. Sobbing. Screaming at the doctors and nurses to try and save you that she was asked to leave for a few days. Syaoran drove her home yesterday. That is why she is not here with you now. That is why I am here with you. To watch over you.  
  
Look, Tomoyo-chan. Even Touya has been to see you. He brought that lovely bouquet of Cherry Blossoms that now sit on the table beside you. That was sweet of him, wasn't it? So you see, you have many people who care about you. Even if you do not see it yourself.  
  
My eyelids are heavy. I feel like sleeping, but I want to be awake in case you wake up... even though the doctors say that you may never wake up. But I refuse to believe that! As you know, I am stubborn. You will wake up, Tomoyo-chan. You just need some more time to rest.  
  
Oh God. Did I see what I thought I saw? Let me look closer. Maybe it was my imagination. I am so tired that I am starting to hallucinate. But no! Your hand moved again!  
  
I take my hands and cup them over yours and squeeze lightly. tears of joy stream from my eyes as I feel you squeeze back. It was very faint, but I know what I felt.  
  
"Tomoyo-chan?" I say, hopeful that you can hear me.  
  
Your eyes flutter open and slowly, you turn your head to look at me. You open your mouth to speak, but I rest a finger on your pale lips.  
  
There is no need to say anything. Time for all of that later. For now, Tomoyo-chan, rest.  
  
  
  
Okays hope you enjoyed it plz review! 


	4. The hardest words

Again my brother wrote this and neither of us owns Card captor Sakura  
  
  
  
The Hard Way: Part Four--The Hardest Words  
  
It has been a week now. A whole week since I woke up in that hospital bed to find you by my side, Sakura-Chan. Has it really been a week? It seems longer, somehow... At first I was confused, unsure of where I was. But then I saw the bandages over my wrists and it all came flooding back to me. My loneliness, your wedding, The knife... it all came flooding back to me. And then the happiness, when I first opened my eyes and saw you sitting beside me, holding my hands, crying deeply. Then, suddenly, the guilt hit me. Of how I got you so worried, so upset...  
  
I felt worse than anything in the world. How could I do that to you? I have no logical explanation to it. To any of it. You deserve a reason to why I did it, but I am not sure if i can bring myself to tell you. You would only blame yourself. And, no matter what you say, you are not to blame. If anyone is to blame, then let it be me. You should blame me for everything.  
  
I do not care if I am alive, or if I succeeded in killing myself. Nothing matters to me anymore. In a way, I am beyond life. I have looked death in the eye and I am still alive. All because of our friendship. And the love of my mother.  
  
In some ways, I am glad that my mother found me. I am with Sakura-chan again and she is happy to have me back, if not a little worried. But, I also wish that I had died. because I now have to live with the fact that Sakura-chan does not love me. But that is the least of my worries right now.  
  
I am too preoccupied with what has been going on since I woke up. Doctors, Psychiatrists, councellors. All asking me the same questions over and over again, with out stop. "Why did you try and kill yourself?" "Do you get depressed easily?" and, the classic, "Do you hear voices in your head?" All I do is sit back in that uncomfortable chair and stare at the plain white wall behind them and answer the questions in my head. But only I hear the answers to the questions. Unable to voice them for these... these strangers. I have found the answers, but I do not like them.  
  
I've got something to say, but I do not know if it is worth a mention. Is anything I say just a waste of breath? Not the effort to say? No. I do not belive it is so. Why am I even thinking of such trivial things? Who knows. Maybe I really am crazy. Maybe I should be put in an isolation room, kept away from the world by locked doors and padded rooms.  
  
You are staring at me. Waiting for an answer. But I didn't hear the question. What was the question? You are staring at me with those big sad eyes of yours. Waiting for an answer that I may not answer.  
  
"Make it go away,"I whisper, ever so softly. You look at me curiously.  
  
"Make what go away, Tomoyo-chan?"  
  
I fingered the bandage on my left wrist, playing with it. i could not look you in the eyes. If I did, I know I would begin to cry. And I do not know if I could ever stop crying.  
  
"Make what go away, Tomoyo-chan?" You repeated.You cupped your hands under my chin and lift my head. Until our eyes meet.  
  
"Everytime my heart starts breaking," I could feel the tears running down my cheeks,"I try and hold it down...Waiting. Waiting for the wailing of when the wind starts blowing..."  
  
"What are you trying to tell me, Tomoyo-chan?"  
  
I blinked some tears away. Just what was I trying to tell you? I didn't know. I am just babbling uncontrollably. i feel the tears stream down my face faster and I put my head down and cried. The next thing I knew, I was crying on your shoulder as you hugged me tightly.  
  
Why do you know me so well? Should I try it harder to hide myself? Or should I just open up and tell you everything? I know I should, but can I really bring myself to do that? I have to. If I want to save myself, then I must tell you everything.  
  
"Sakura-chan? I'm ready to talk..."  
  
  
  
  
  
Well hope you enjoyed it plz review! 


	5. Peace

Okies final chapter, again my brother wrote this and neither of us owns Card captor Sakura  
  
  
  
The Hard Way: Part Five--Peace.  
  
I laugh. I feel. I fall down on my knees. I am caught by the arms of an angel. You are my angel. My living, breathing angel whom looks out for me no matter what. I feel safe. Safe in your arms as you hold me, never letting go. I am grateful for that. And I live on for you. I have to live on for you. Otherwise, what kind of future will you have?  
  
But I can't be free. Free from this pain. This constant loneliness that lives inside of my heart. it's stupid, I know, to feel this way But I do...but I do.  
  
You gave me strength when I was weak. You mellow my soul with your sanctuary. What else could it do, when all I am is you? You set me free and now I can fly again.  
  
I looked out of my bedroom window and saw the sun in the final stages of setting. So ends the first day of the rest of my life. Sighing, I took off my dress, a fluffy white one that had to be my favourite in all of my wardrobe, and searched through my drawers and pulled out a light blue nightie with the picture of a blood red heart on the front and slipped in to it. The material of the nightie was cold against my body. But it felt good.  
  
I closed the curtains over the window and turned off the light and got into bed, with little Takashi the bear and snuggled underneath the covers. I closed my eyes and imagined a wide stream. On either bank of the stream, were large, mighty trees, their leaves blowing softly in the wind.  
  
The clouds in the sky drifting lazily, pushed by the gentlest of air currents. I am in paradise. Nothing can break this peaceful scene...Nothing.  
  
I promised that I would stay by your side. And I am. That is what true friends do for each other, right, Tomoyo-chan? We help each other out in hard times. I will let you sleep. You need all the rest that you can get. I will be here when you wake up. In case you need me. Don't worry, okay? Syaoran understands completely. He knows how close we are as friends and is being the best husband possible. Why, he even cooked us dinner...no belle peppers. He knows how much you dislike them. Oh, it was a wonderful dinner, wasn't it, Tomoyo-chan? You, Syaoran and I, were eating a meal that was fit for a princess. Laughing and joking...then reliving some of the old days by watching the movies you had filmed of me capturing the Shadow Card, the Power Card and even a toughie, the Water Card. You even made a few jokes and joined in on the fun. It's as if we were all ten years old again...  
  
I heard the front door open and turned my head just enough to see my darling husband come in. In the twenty odd years that I have known him, he has barely changed... He is taller now, but still has the face of a ten year old. Although, I do wish he would cut his hair!  
  
"How is she?"  
  
"She just went to bed, Syaoran dear. It has been a hectic two weeks for her. For all of us."  
  
I see Syaoran nod and collapse into the lounge in front of the television and sigh.  
  
"Maybe you should go home?" I asked, getting out of my chair and heading disown the short hallway to Tomoyo-chan's bedroom. "You look tired."  
  
"Not just yet,"Syaoran replies and turns the television on.  
  
"I'm just going to check on her. See if she needs something, "I say opening Tomoyo-chan's bedroom door slowly. I peer inside the darkened room and the sounds of Tomoyo-chan's snores reach my ears and I smile to myself.  
  
"Good night, Tomoyo-chan," I say, closing the door. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too, Sakura-chan," I hear you say as the door closes and I can't help but smile brightly. Sweet dreams, Tomoyo-chan, I think and go back to join my husband.  
  
THE END  
  
Hope you enjoyed it! Plz review! 


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